1am thoughts

I only write when I feel compelled to.

Compelled is definitely not the word I’m looking for but it sounds good so we’ll roll with it. 

I write what comes to me.

I write what I feel. Sometimes I keep it to myself. Other times, like now, I share how I feel.

I have a lot on my mind right now.

I don’t know where to start.

Where is this going?

This has no flow.

I just watched Lauren London’s tribute to Nipsey Hussle. I never brought myself to watch it but someone quoted something that she said during her tribute and it has resonated with me since. She said ‘you don’t possess people, you experience them’. It’s a hard thing to come to grips with. It’s an important thing to acknowledge, though.

You see the thing about people is that you grow attached to them. You share your lives with them. You actually CHOOSE who you want to share your life with. It makes you vulnerable. I think about all the people I have shared my life with, or those that have shared their lives with me, and we aren’t involved in each other’s lives anymore. It’s crazy to think about. Knowing that there are people out there who once knew everything about you but now know nothing about you.

I still don’t know where this is going.

I don’t even have a title for it.

I don’t even know if it will ever see the light of day, or the Internet equivalent of that saying.

It scares me. It scares me that friends turn into strangers. It makes me want to become less attached to people. To distance myself. But I shouldn’t; I know I shouldn’t. But I want to. But I shouldn’t. You should. No you shouldn’t.

^that’s how my thought process works.

I’m a very indecisive person. That’s one of the things that I’m trying to change about myself. I literally got my nails done earlier today and couldn’t decide on the colour. I picked a colour because I had to, and regretted it when they were already dry. I hate making decisions.

Why am I talking about my nails?

I still don’t know where this is going.

If you’re still reading this you’re a real one.

I could never be a writer. I feel like writers think about what they’re writing. I’m currently not thinking, I’m just writing what’s coming to mind. Actually, maybe that’s what makes a good writer.

Anyway, back to what I was saying earlier. Not really saying because this is text but you know what I mean. No, I don’t want to talk about that any more because the more I think about it the more it upsets me.

Actually, maybe I should talk about it. Address what I’m thinking instead of sweeping it under the rug. I feel like a writer now.

I wanted to say ‘lol, I feel like a writer now’ but a writer wouldn’t write that, no?

How have I already written close to 500 words? I wish I could channel this same energy into my coursework. Side note, I’m done with first year. It went by so fast. So, so fast. I’m so grateful that I ended up in the university that I did, in the flat that I did, and met the people that I’ve met.

University has been difficult. Fun, but difficult. If I went into that now I’d write a novel. Just kidding, I don’t have the energy for that.

Don’t you find it strange that you’re just reading my thoughts as they come to me? To be honest, I’d find it exciting. I myself don’t know what’s coming next.

Why would I say ‘I myself’? I can’t be ‘I yourself’. 

That’s one thing that I find so funny about Kenyans. The thing of saying ‘me I’. Like, okay. It’s not like you would be saying ‘me’ yet be referring to your teacher’s neighbour. Let’s be serious.

I don’t even know if anything I’ve written makes sense. I feel like everything is grammatically incorrect.

Stop doubting yourself.

I think I’ll stop here.

If I keep going I’ll end up unleashing verbal diarrhoea.

Diarrhoea is such a strange word.

Gosh, I need to stop writing.